Finding life in death.

It's actually ironic that my last post, though quite some time ago, spoke of my funeral.

This morning, a colleague and friend of mine at Etix passed away while running in the Rock and Roll marathon in Raleigh. He was in his low 30's with two kids. Last Saturday, the father of one of my youth group guys passed away suddenly. This week will make 4 funerals I'll have attended over the past month.

Honestly, I've had a thought or two that somehow or another, death is following me; but I know that's silly.

It has definitely been difficult not to get depressed when death is all around. It's hard not to get sad or angry when those around you are leaving behind loved ones, friends, and lots of unanswered questions. I've had to watch a sophomore in high school cope with the loss of his father, had to see families grieve the passing of their loved one. Today, my friends, my coworkers are hurting, grieving, and stuck in a place without the answers that they so desperately search for. It's been the hardest, personally.

I can't stop thinking about how weird it will be to go to work tomorrow, and to see and personally experience the void that is the loss of a friend and coworker.

I'm not sure how I'll react. I'm not sure how my coworkers will react.

The reality that where someone once was they no longer are is profound. It's incredibly humbling for sure. Life can be so short.

HOWEVER. Oh, the great however.

In death, Christ gives us life. It isn't always pretty, it isn't always the way we expected, BUT through death Jesus gives us life. And, we're called to live life to the fullest.

In one of his last posts before he passed, my coworker wrote this: "Under promise and over deliver, care more and complain less, live and love in this moment..."

Live life to the fullest. Abide in Christ, and he will produce fruit in your life. "Life to the fullest" might not always fall into the plan that we had for ourselves, but I do know that life, when lived to the fullest in Christ, is more glorifying and more gratifying that any other form of life. We are called to LIVE into the resurrection, into the life that Christ defeated death for.

My Funeral.

I like making sounds. I'm not sure if I've ever said that before. Well, maybe it's more that I like to make noise, but who cares. I'm not the most musically talented, so via a big board with lots of buttons, knobs, and sliders on it, I bring their musical talents to life, and amplify them until peoples heads hurt. I do this for the church I work for, and because I work for the church, and because I make sounds, I'm occasionally asked to work different events. Earlier this week, I was asked to work another funeral, something that I've done quite a few times over the past few years, since I made my noise making quest somewhat professional.

I don't want to sound insensitive, but with the exception of one of the funerals I've worked, I haven't enjoyed a single one of them. Obviously, if I'm working, it's not the best of situations, and they haven't exactly planned them for my enjoyment, but regardless, I've seen funerals that were just sad. And it's a tad bit depressing. Now, if I've already offended you with my seemingly senseless babbling, please continue reading, so I can attempt to make myself look like less of an idiot. 

I'm one of those people who believes, truly believes, that in Christ, life can be lived to the fullest. I'm not saying that if you believe, all your hopes and dreams will come true, you'll be rich, and have a perfect family, a perfect job, and vacation in your dream spot, but what I am saying, is that through faith, your planned ahead path, the one that God created for you will be revealed to you, and when you live out that plan, when you follow that path, when you daily encounter Christ, life will be lived to the fullest. So, when I look back at life, I want to CELEBRATE the joys of that fulfilled life. I don't want my funeral to be this sad, dark, dreary thing, I want it to be an occasion. A party. No wake. No visitation. No funeral. I want my friends, my family, my students, shoot, anyone to come together, to fellowship and to tell stories about me. Stories about when I was an idiot, stories about things that I accomplished, funny stories about me, any story. I want to, in death, to be the vessel that brings people together to eat, to drink, and to fellowship in Christ, and of course to celebrate me a tad bit too. So, for all to see, this is how I want my funeral to go:

1. Chick-fil-a will be served. That is a must. If for some reason, they have gone out of business, just skip the whole thing. Seriously. And, if anyone suggests PDQ as an alternative, take them off of the invite list. 

2. I don't want anything short. It needs to be a good 3 hour event. With good food, good drinks, and merriment. 

3. I seriously wouldn't mind a nice touching video. But no sappy music. Please. For the love of all that is good. Good Music. 

4. There needs to be worship. In Christ Alone, done the same way it was at Passion 2013 needs to be included in the set. The worship set needs like 6 songs. I'd be ok with more. 

5. Sure, you can dress up, but nothing sad. Bow ties instead of regular ties. Please. 

As ridiculous as those requests seem, I'm pretty serious about them all. I want my funeral to be something I wish I was at. I want it to be a time, to come together, to worship, to laugh, to cry, to eat LOTS of Chick-Fil-A, and to celebrate a God who has provided a good life, who has provided an everlasting life. I want it to be a moment that people are excited for, because it's a time to come together and fellowship. (that's not an invitation to look forward to it thought). 

So, someone, please make this happen for me. Celebrate, laugh, love, live. That's what I want. 

It is Necessary to Use Words

Yesterday, I was at Harris Teeter picking up a few things with one of my roommates. We had just grabbed what we needed and were making our way to the register to check out when he began to chat with a friend of his who runs a basketball league and camp at a local church that one of our other roommates attends. On Monday nights, the church held and open gym, and different people would gather to play basketball. The coach asked my roommate if he remembered a guy named Rodney, to which my roommate replied yes, that he did know him. The coach went on to tell us that Rodney had recently been killed in a car crash, where a driver crossed the median, and hit him head on. What he said next hit me deep, in the gut. 

Visibly, the guy looked shaken. After all, he was telling a story about a young man he knew who had been killed. I could tell that he was struggling with it. He found out about the wreck while he and some friends were in China doing a mission basketball camp, and that it hit him hard, because he didn't know where Rodney was spiritually. I haven't been able to get that thought out of my head. 

I want that to be my first thought, when I see anyone. I want to immediately want to know where someone I meet or see is spiritually, whether they have found salvation. 

I feel like so often, in Youth Ministry, I worry about whether students are off drinking, or smoking, or hooking up, and I don't think its wrong to worry about things like that. I also do question their spiritual journey, where they are with the Lord, what their walk looks like. But I want to yearn to know someones story. To not have to worry about their salvation. Not just with students, but with everyone I come in contact to. With anyone I work with. Anyone who I see from my past, or anyone new I meet. I want to never have to struggle with the thought that someone I could have witnessed to I didn't. 

So where does that leave me? Who knows. Do I become the guy on the corner, King James in hand, proclaiming the word? Do I become the guy on the brickyard at a college campus, yelling the gospel? I don't think I have to want to become anyone other that who I am. But I do think that I have to rethink the way that I live my life. Not in actions, but in tongue. 

St. Francis of Assisi once said "Preach the gospel continually, and when necessary use words". Living out the gospel is one thing. I think that anyone can live a good life on the outside, that they can "live the Christian life", feed the poor, go to church, pray continually, but to actually speak, to proclaim the gospel, to share your story, that's something totally different. It's more than tweeting a line of a good Jesus Culture song, or Instagramming a picture of a page in your Bible, more than taking a Vine of a cool Christian concert. Being living proof of the healing, and redemption, and freedom that life in Christ brings, and proclaiming that verbally completely changes the game. 

Recent Thoughts

I've had a lot of recent thoughts. Here are many of them.

I feel like sometimes, people aren't too sure about me. Maybe it's my personality, maybe its the fact I've been at the same job for more than 6 years, at the same church for a long time, stuck in this grey area of schooling for what seems like an eternity, or, if I dare say, because I've been single for so long at my age. I think that maybe, sometimes people think I'm complacent, or too scared to move on. People will ask me if I'm sure I should do Youth Ministry, or if I'm sure I should still work at eTix, or if I'm sure I should be turning down that date my mom's been nagging me for weeks to go on. The reality of my current situation in life is I'm not sure of anything. I'm not sure of what the future holds. I'm not sure where my schooling, or my church life, or my faith, or my job could lead me in the coming months. I haven't got a clue. 

I was recently told that part of "growing up" is moving away. I don't currently live with my parents, but I do live in the same city. Obviously, living in the same city isn't exactly like moving away from them, but with how busy I am, sometimes it feels like I'd see them more if I lived on Mars. I think sometimes, people think I'm still in Raleigh because I'm scared of moving on.

I'm not fearful of the future. Cautious, maybe. But afraid, absolutely not. If I had to be honest, and I will be, I'm pretty ok with the way life is now. There are many things about life I absolutely love. My family, my church, my small groups, my friends, my mac, my passions, my talents. I enjoy them all. I love working long hours at church, I get to tell peoples stories on film, I get to walk hand in hand with some pretty crazy middle and high school students as they go to school, play on teams, go to youth group, have their hearts broken, make mistakes, find hope, find joy, find life. I get to work and live life with an incredible group of staff and volunteers. I get to see my siblings almost once a week. I get to do the things that I love, and most of the time, I feel like I'm fulfilling a purpose. 

Don't get me wrong, there are absolutely times where I don't love life. Yes, my life is pretty amazing, and I'm thankful that it is what it is, but there are times when the days aren't so sunny, where I hate my school or my classes, where I'm frustrated with my church, or its politics, or my positions; where I feel overworked at eTix and can't seem to get ahead, no matter how much work I do or how much I think my bosses like me; where I wonder why I'm still friends with certain people, or wonder why I put so much effort in relationships that never seem to pan out; and there are days where I realize that there hasn't been anyone in the passenger seat of my car in the longest time, those are the days where I feel the singleness of the early 20's hit, and loneliness creeps its way in. I live with regrets, about past decisions, past relationships, past mistakes. I've got this incredible life, but then again, some days, It's a struggle that I worry I'll never overcome. 

I think the hardest thing for me personally to admit is there are days where I am not what I claim to be. Days where I, either in front of people or behind closed doors live out the farthest thing from the gospel I can imagine. Days where I, like many of the middle and high schoolers I work with wonder if I'm good enough. And the beauty of my life is, that in the middle of the struggles, in the middle of my dark moments, in the middle of my confusions, my regrets, my loneliness, I am reminded of the truth of my life. 

I remember a day, maybe a year or so ago, when by best friend Cam had already gone away on leave to California in the Navy. I texted him in the middle of a struggle and asked for advice. He pointed me to a song I knew well, one by Crowder called Sometimes. My favorite verse reads "When we've given up, let your healing come, when there's nothing left, let your healing come, let your rising come"

This year at Passion, Louie said a few words that are HUGE. He said "God, help me to take the unbelief in my life and turn it into belief" Those are monumental words. I don't struggle because I don't love God. I love Jesus. I do. But, sometimes, there are days where my pea sized brain struggles with the most truthful of truths that the creator of the universe, the builder of mountains, the namer of stars, the parter of seas, the raiser of lives loves me more than I can ever imagine is better, is more glorious, is more pleasurable than the simple moments of "joy" that life has to offer. 

And that truth that I am reminded of in the midst of struggles is that, even in the midst of my darkest moments, I am pursued. I am called home. My unbelief is turned into belief. I am made strong. I am brought, just as the dead, dried up bones once were, back to life again. 

On Community

“Ever since the first computers, there have always been ghosts in the machine. Random segments of code that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. Unanticipated, these free radicals endanger questions of free will, creativity, and even the nature of what we might call the soul. Why is it that when some robots are left in darkness, they will seek out the light? Why is it that when robots are stored in an empty space they will group together, rather than stand alone? How do we explain this behavior? Random segments of code? Or is it something more? When does a perceptual schematic become consciousness? When does a difference engine become the search for truth? When does a personality simulation become the bitter mote... of a soul?” -Dr. Alfred Lanning, iRobot.

Why is it, that when in darkness, we seek out the light? Why is it that when we are in a space, we will naturally seek each other out, rather than stand alone? My conclusion is that, like the fictional robots in iRobot, it is because of something more than just our programming, more than just our skin and bones, more than just our muscles and our tendons, and our cells. My conclusion is that it is because of this thing called the soul, because our most inner being, our core, our hearts and our souls desire is to be in community. 

We see evidence of this throughout history. God created Eve, because he did not want Adam to be alone. Jesus called the church to be a grouping of believers. And, most of all, God himself is a community. 

Now, that idea of God as a community is something I’ve just learned this past week at Passion 2013.  Judah Smith, a pastor out in Seattle WA spoke on this topic Thursday morning, and explained that God himself is a community. Yes, he is one singular being, composed of three separate but equal entities. God himself, Jesus himself is and is a part of a community. And as we are called, nay, created to strive after him, we have been called and created to live into a community. I would also venture to say that there are numerous reasons for this.

I think to Francis Chan’s sermon on Wednesday night about seeing God revealed through Kingdom Building in evangelism. He mentioned that it is often through our good works in proclaiming the Gospel to others that Christ is seen and exalted, and that if we aren’t seeing Christ at work in our lives, then it’s not because he isn't working, rather that its because we aren’t. 

Judah Smith followed him up the following morning with an analogy about sharks, and the research that has been done with great whites off the coast of South Africa. Research has shown that sharks are more likely to attack a seal if it is alone, showing that seals are generally safer when traveling in groups, and I imagine that this same idea can be applied to humans in the water, but it has greater meaning beyond just that of the shark. This community is a haven, generally something safe. In Hebrews, Paul writes about running our race with a “great cloud of witnesses”, together, with others. 

But the beauty of the idea of community is that it applies to non-believers as well, perhaps even more. As believers, we are called to speak on and give testimony to the hope of the Gospel we have seen in our own lives. And, as Francis Chan mentioned, this is also another way that we see Christ moving in our lives. 

if you were at Passion, or saw any of the pictures or any of the live stream, then you probably saw the magnitude of this generation of young people willing to stand, and to have their voice heard for their King. While in the Georgia Dome, in the midst of sessions or lunch, I couldn’t help but to pause, and to look around, and to try, key word there is try, to take in the magnitude of this Jesus movement. Standing in a room of 60,000 people is a reasonably big deal, at least in my tiny life’s opinion. When you look around, and see 60K plus singing and praying for the Holy Spirit to be welcome and to fill the place that they are in, it has certain moving effects that include but are not limited to jaw dropping, chills running down the back, and wide open eyes. 

When you pause, and once again emphasizing the word try here to take it all in, you realize the magnitude not of the movement, but of the God that has started this stirring. You begin to think of the ways that he is moving powerfully in the building, in the city, in the state, in the country, in the world. You get this glimpse of the “immeasurably more”. This community of believers, who has gathered together to worship, to learn, and to be encouraged in their walk. You see a mass of people stand together in the cold at midnight to shout and to sing for the freedom of the enslaved and the lost. You see a God ready to do immeasurably more, ready to take the unbelief of the masses, and to work it into belief. You see a people ready to stand through the grace and love and hope of their God, ready to follow him at all cost. 

Comprehending the Incomprehensible

Newton Elementary shooting. Today. 26 Killed.

Oregon Shopping mall shooting. December. 2 Killed.

Wisconsin Sikh temple shooting. August. 6 Killed.

Aurora Colorado Movie Theater Shooting. July. 12 Killed.

Elizabeth Malloy Killed in Drunk Driving. January.1 Killed.

Sampson County Teen Shot by Father. December. 2 Killed.

Kansas City Chiefs Player Shooting. December. 2 Killed.

Dallas Cowboys Drunk Driving Crash.  December. 2 Killed.

When faced with the incomprehensible, where do you start? Time and time again, we’ve been wrecked by the news of another drunk driver claiming the live of someone around them, by the news of yet another shooting, or stabbing, or murder-suicide. And again today, our country reels from the news of 26 dead, 20 of them children. And, again, as we do every time, we begin to ask ourselves why, even when we know the answer.

I was on the phone with a customer who had tickets today for a Nutcracker performance in Alabama. The customer was clearly not from the US, she sounded like she was from eastern Europe, maybe Russia, and towards the end of the call, she asked me if the performance was to be cancelled due to the countries mourning. She said, she didn’t know how things went here in America. The more I’ve thought about this question, the more I’ve realized how things are here in America.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this country. I’m proud to be an American, but, today, more than any other day, I’ve come to the conclusion that WE, as Americans played a part in the cause of this tragedy. Just think about that.

Today’s tragedy, these past, seemingly constant tragedies weren't caused by the unstable. Yes, they may be off their rockers a bit, but there's a deeper root, an underlying problem.

Our Culture, our people, our values, or likes have done this to us. We have done this to ourselves.

Our “stars”, or “celebrities” fool around, they sing about shooting it up, F the Police, their hoes, their swag, their drugs, their violence. We have developed a system, through valuing it and teaching it to our young that Violence, Killing, Revenge, Sleeping around, Adultery, Theft, Cheating is acceptable. Then, when an NFL player kills his girl friend in front of his mom, and kills himself in front of his coaches, its not so funny or popular any more. When a Millbrook teenager is thrown out of a vehicle to die because teen drinking and partying is encouraged, we wonder, why, who could have done this. When an NFL player kills his best friend because he’s too drunk to drive, we think, how sad. When numerous people shoot up religious institutions, movie theaters, street corners, and SCHOOLS, we wonder what has happened to our country. WE HAVE HAPPENED TO OUR COUNTRY. WE HAVE DONE THIS TO OURSELVES.

America, PLEASE. We have to STOP. We have to stop valuing music that glorifies teen drinking, music that glorifies sleeping around, violence, and a culture that says kill them if they wrong you. We have to stop valuing celebrities who bounce in and out of prison for killing people, countless felonies, drunk driving and possession. We have to stop making moves that promote unnecessary violence, and retaliation. We are causing this. We are. We play into this system that glorifies darkness, and wonder why when the night has come.

The only hope for us is that WE CANNOT FIX IT. That is our only hope. We cannot fix this death, this disease, this darkness. But there is a light, that burns BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN that is coming. Emmanuel, God WITH US. He has been born, he lived, he died, and then he conquered death, so that he could bring us, the dead, the diseased, the murderous, the sinning back to him in redemption. He has come for US.

So then, where do you start when faced with the incomprehensible? Start and End with Jesus, the only hope for our broken world. He has done it all. He is redeeming us to himself. He is Hope. He is light. He is LIFE.

Who are you?

On my way home tonight, I had a good amount of time by myself to think. Earlier this evening, I had the opportunity to attend the regional FCA Banquet for the North Carolina chapter of  Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Their guest speaker, Lee Rouson, a 2 time Super Bowl winner spoke about identity, and the importance of knowing the answer to the question “Who are you?”.
While I think the question “Who are you?” is a relatively easy question to answer, I’ve found that it’s a question with many different answers, and often times, those answers change over time, which, if you really think about it shows how complex the question really is.
If you’ve read any of my blogs, or if you know me personally, you most likely know my life is a little weird, and often hectic at times (and by often I mean always). Over the past few months, I’ve discovered more and more about myself, and through that process, I’ve often times become more confused and more unclear about who I am.
I am a man. I am a friend. I am a NC State Fan. I am a lover of hockey. I am a roommate. I am a son. I am a lover of the light. I am a brother. I am a hard worker. I am a Youth Leader. I am in incredible pain with a bad back. I am a fan of video and audio. I am a blogger. I am a lover of Chick-fil-a. I am a bow tie aficionado. I am brokenhearted. I am hurting. I am weird. I am joyful. I am too busy. I am too tired. I am overworked. I am a winner of musical chairs at a Canes game. I am burnt out. I am insane. I am a neat freak (sometimes). I am too quick to say yes to everything. I am a contestant and Honorable Mention winner on AFV.  I am easily taken advantage of. I am wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am down, but not out. I am, I am, I am. I am too many things. I am hurting, I am overworked, I am confused.
What I am, no matter how often I forget it, what I am no matter how often I don’t live into it, what I am, no matter what the world tells me I am, no matter what my peers tell me I am, no matter what my friends tell me I am, no matter what a girl tells me I am, no matter what you tell me I am is I AM GOOD ENOUGH. Not because I say so, not because you say so, but because the blood that poured out on the hilltop says so, because the ground shook, because the veil was torn, because the word was made flesh, because the promises were fulfilled because Christ died, because he defeated death. Because I AM a child of the KING. Who are you?

all we need.

I’m so thankful for other people who blog amazing things that push me to write.

The other night, I was out on the back porch with 3 of my 4 housemates (yes, I’ve moved), and we got talking about a handful of things like friends, relationships, and politics, and in the midst of our heated discussions and wild bantering, came one of the best conversations I’ve had in a while. We had been discussion politics, and going back and forth about taxes, and the party structure and culture and jobs and gas prices and this and that, and after the hundredth or so solution we came to, we finally hit the realization that (it took way too long to get here), though no matter  how hard we try to fix the system, rework the system, do this, do that, what the world really needs is some Jesus.

The last few days have shown me that more and more than I’d like to know. I’ve got friends serving in South Africa, and Ecuador, I’ve got friends and family friends with breast cancer, brain tumors, dying parents and physical ailments, friends with broken relationships, shattered families, abusive surroundings, we live in a world where Jersey Shore, teenage pregnancy, and drug use isn’t just reported on, its glorified, a world where our culture appreciates and boasts of the very things that are tearing it apart.

The reality of our situation is that we have a world on its knees, reeling, struggling to stay afloat. In a country as affluent and privileged as ours, we have way too many homeless, way too many struggling to put food on the table. We have way too many people fighting over their wealth, and no one fighting for those unable to have anything. In a world that has come as far along as ours, we still have people blowing each other up in the middle east, police killing miners in South Africa when they protest for living wages, North Koreans under a military style dictatorship rule, Russians and Belarusians living in fear of the government. For what we claim to be able to do with our technological, our agricultural, our social advances, we have a world in shambles and in ruin.

And today, the same as every other day, its clear that we need Christ to come, to make all things new, to free us from this mess that we have made. Because no matter how hard we fight, no matter how hard we try, we will never be good enough. We will never measure up. We will never fix anything. But, in the midst of this darkness, there is light. In the midst of our messes, our fears, our troubles, our tears there is a God who has overcome it all to bring us life. There is a God who has come to bring us a freedom. There is a God who has come to give us his truths, so that we might live in them. There is a God who came, died, and defeated death so that we might live in his place. And he is ALL we need.

In Memory Of Andy Delbridge

Yesterday evening, I attended a funeral service for a man I had never met. His name was Andy Delbridge, a nine and a half year cancer fighter, a husband, a father, a man of God.

As I sat and watched and listened to numerous pastors, friends, and family members speak about Andy, I learned more about Andy, and more about myself. Grace Hall was packed. Like really packed. Packed with the number of people you would expect to see on the big Christmas Eve service, plus a few more people. My guess is that, like me, many people there had never met Andy personally. You see, Andy was a devoted member of Grace Community Church. Every few weeks, we would hear something new about him, how he was doing, how things were going in his fight. His two sons, Drew and Kenan both attend our youth group, and his wife, Nancy is also a member of the church. The number of people who attended the service alone is a testament to the character of Andy Delbridge. He loved people he had never met, he was an inspiration to all, he fought for others fighting the same things as himself. (http://www.cbn.com/700club/features/amazing/Andy_Delbridge032307.aspx). Andy loved, lived, and died as a servant. And this shows most in the lives of his nearest family members.

Towards the end of the service, Nancy, Drew, and Kenan all spoke. They, like many others who came before him, spoke of their fathers love for them, his unfaltering faith, his devotion, his status as a hero. They encouraged all of us teary eyed, sniffling people, by standing up, fighting their own fears, sadness, etc.

Today, I am encouraged.

On Leaving a Legacy, and Finding Hope in an Often Hopeless World : A response to Marina Keegan

I came across an article today written by a young woman my age who just graduated from Yale. (http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2012/may/27/keegan-opposite-loneliness/) She wrote this piece for the special edition the Yale Newspaper does during graduation week every year, and then tragically passed away a few days later. I'll be honest, when I saw the post labeled "Student's moving final essay" on Yahoo!, I almost passed it by, but thought she was cute, and figured I would look into it. Little did I know, her final piece really was a piece shortly followed by finality, little did I know, it would shake me to my core.

If I had to be honest, and I will, its been a long past few months. Over the past year, my life has changed drastically, and over the past few months, the changes have begun to affect me in new ways, some often depressing, and painful. I've found myself struggling with wondering whether what I do really matters, struggling with thinking I'm not actually as valuable, or as important, or as necessary as I thought. About a month ago, Grace High School youth group started a series it does every year called "Leaving a Legacy", and I've been thinking more and more about what I've left behind, but even more than me contemplating if my legacy is moving or not, I've thought nonstop about where it is I'm going. I've found that I'm reasonably comfortable with where I've been, I've traveled to South Africa, South America, all over the U.S,  done missions, ministry, food service work, ticketing work. I've laughed, I've cried, and occasionally, I've had a pretty good time, but I find that I still question where it is I'm headed. I feel like I've been caught in this lull, doing the same thing day in and day out, never progressing very far, I'ts like I'm like the guinea pig running in the wheel, exhausting every effort and opportunity, constantly in motion, but never getting anywhere.

As Marina Keegan put it, "We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life."

Though I'm always in motion, constantly surrounded by people working, singing, driving, drinking, swimming, yelling, talking, moving, I often find I loose myself in the midst of the bustle, and feel alone, like I'm moving along in some sort of bubble, able to interact with those around me, but never able to fully connect. Sure, I have really close friends, and as they move away, even for short periods of time, or as they begin to progress "farther" along in life, it feels like it only gets harder. I spend time with them, with other friends, with family, but feel like sometimes, I'm just moving, going through the motions, unable to snap out of this sort of perpetual motion.

What I want in life is what I hope awaits me (obviously). A wife, a family, a steady income, vacations, kids, a job I love (pretty sure I've found that one). For now, I know what I have to do. Leave a Legacy. Without even knowing it, Marina Keegan lived life, never knowing her last days were quickly approaching, and affected peoples lives. My hope, aside from my dreams and desires for life, is that through my writing, which will hopefully become more and more regular will affect others as Marina's has affected me. And eventually, I'll find that definition for the opposite of lonliness.

for his glory alone.

This weekend, I’m speaking at Middle Youth Group on the story of the man born blind. In the passage from John 9, some of Christ’s disciples ask Christ if someone had sinned for the man to have been born blind. Christ replies with this:

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”

It is often hard to understand seeing glory, and seeing God in the midst of sad, or dark situations. Last Sunday night, one of my friends lost his father to an unexpected heart attack. Ben Taylor, the son of the man who passed was a member of the band at one of our retreats a few months ago. Though I do not know him as well as I would like, I have been amazed at his faith, his perseverance, and his steadfast devotion to the Lord in the midst of such a hard situation. He has tweeted, facebooked, and written verses of encouragement, verses of his devotion, and has shown that in the midst of trials, in the midst of death, sadness, and despair, that his allegiance lies in the Lord, and in him alone, and that through this situation, he sees and trusts that the works of God are being displayed, and that they are part of the plan. It is so encouraging to see someone with such love for Christ, that in the midst of one of the hardest situations I can imagine, he still gives God the glory, and still trusts in him for his hope, and for his strength.

All this Glory.

“In the middle of the mess, there is majesty. In the middle of my chest, is the king of Kings. While the world was waiting on, the chains have come undone, light rolled in… Coming like a song. All this Glory, All this Glory, oh, All this Glory…In the middle of the night, all this light, in the middle of the night, all this light here. In the middle of the night, you are majesty. In the middle of our plight came you King of Kings. While we were waiting on, for your love to come along, light rolled in… Coming like a song.

All this Glory, All this Glory, oh, All this Glory…

In the middle of the night, all this light;  in the middle of the night, all this light; in the middle of the night, oh all this light, in the middle of the night, after all this plight….

JESUS, GOD WITH US, JESUS CHRIST HAS COME, AND I’M UNDONE.”

I’ve been listening the new Passion CD, White Flag, and if you follow me on twitter, you’re probably an ex-follower, or thinking about unfollowing me, because of the 15+ times I’ve tweeted about it in the last hour. BUT, when I was listening to the song the lyrics above are from, I couldn’t help but think about the words. It talks about light coming in the darkness, and I think were surrounded by so much darkness, that sometimes, its hard to find the light. I find myself in dark places so often, in fear, in anger, in pain, and sometimes I loose my grip on reality, the reality that my future is with Christ, as I am his.

Tonight, Katie Henry mentioned a quote from a professor named Dave Moffit, who said “you can’t preach the crucifixion without the resurrection”. I LOVE the saying. So often, we find ourselves in dark places, in fear, in pain, in anguish, and it takes a lot to get out of those places, sometimes it seems like the whole world is against us. But, in that darkness, there is hope, there is light, there is Christ, leading us through the darkness, to the light at the end of the tunnel. After all, light shines best in the darkness. And it is there, even in the darkness, that the light OVERWHELMS us, in the midst of our sins, our failures,  our mishaps, our anger, our hate, our foolish desires, and our fears that we are embraced by all of his grace, and all of his Glory.

Prosperity

If you pay any attention to the “media” version of Christianity, you see people like Joel Osteen and others who preach what is often referred to as the “Prosperity Gospel”, a message based around Jeremiah 29:11. It reads “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”.  The prosperity gospel teaches that faith in God, following Christ, living as he did, accepting his grace and love means that we will prosper, that we will receive more than just his Grace and Love, that on earth, we will be blessed with riches, with power, with whatever it may be that is deemed prosperous.

Now, scripture seems to show different things about this. Look at Paul, a man who preached the gospel with everything he was, who went after the Jews, the Gentiles, the loved, the unloved, the powerful, the poor; he was the same guy who was Jailed and beaten and stoned for his faith and what he preached. In a worldly view, his story doesn’t seem to prosperous. How about we look at Christ, the son of God, the Messiah. Born in a manger, he lived as a carpenter, then he traveled with no money, no possessions, sleeping where he could find someone to let him in their home, all while he preached the redemption of mankind. Then he died on a cross, on a tree amongst sinners for crimes he didn’t commit. He was an innocent man who died another's death. In a worldly view, it doesn’t seem to prosperous. 

Now, what I’m about to say is going to be a little out of the box, but keep reading, and you’ll see what I’m trying to say. I wholeheartedly believe in the prosperity gospel. BUT, that said, the prosperity gospel I believe in is not the same as that of the modern media. I believe, that when you fully dedicate your heart and your life to Christ, you will prosper, because of one thing and one thing only. Gods plan for you. He has a plan for each of our lives, something unique to each of us, like our fingerprint or our DNA. He has something special in mind, something special in our story that is part of his story, something that is his. And to me, living in the plans that he has created for me, living my story as a part of his is the most fulfilling thing that I could imagine. Where do people prosper? When they are happy, when they are fulfilled. Paul came alive by being unashamed of spreading the gospel, something he did with everything he was, no matter how wild life got, or how painful it could be. He found joy, he found potential, he found fulfillment in proclaiming Christ. In a similar way, I prosper by living my story, I prosper by living the story that God made just for me. I believe that when you live the life that he designed for you to live, you are living life to the FULLEST.

Valor.

Definition: strength of mind or spirit that enables a person to encounter danger with firmness : personal bravery.

This past week, I went to see the new live action Navy Seal movie Act of Valor. The movie is a near accurate depiction featuring actual Navy Seals on missions to defend our country from both foreign and domestic threats. I went into the movie expecting my mind to be blown, to be amazed, to be shocked by the action. I was. What I didn’t expect though, is to be moved, and to be touched by the movie. I left, as I usually do after an action movie expecting someone to try to kill me as I walked to my car and for my life to suddenly change, and for me to be some sick nasty Navy Seal shooting a M-4 or 50-cal.  It didn’t. Instead, I left in near tears, as I saw the funeral of a Seal who intentionally died to protect his fellow soldiers. I left feeling indebted to those who go “downrange” daily, risking their lives to defend the country in which I live, and the people I live life with. I left feeling more proud than I ever have of the country in which I live.

Our country is flawed. Every country is flawed, because people are flawed. Democrats, republicans, independents, liberals, radicals, all of them are flawed. But, what they share is an allegiance to the flag of the country that has men fighting daily to protect it. Regardless of your political, religious, and other affiliations, we are all part of a country that men and women have died to make and keep free. My hope is that one day, it will truly be free, that we will get over our differences, and our disagreements, and that people will no longer live apart, but live as one. My hope is that all people, will be proud of the country in which they live.

My best friend is a man of Valor. My best friend is currently serving on the USS Abraham Lincoln, stationed somewhere halfway across the world defending freedom. As I set here and write this, he is currently working, doing things you and I will never have the courage to do, doing things you and I may never actually know have been done. He is working to protect you and me, and for this I am eternally grateful. Cameron Waardenburg is one of the greatest men I have ever met, one of the greatest men I have ever been able to live life with, and I am more than privileged to sit here today writing this, as he is half a world away defending me. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Matt.

 

"Golf Balls"

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and fills it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “YES”.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.” he said.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are
important to you...” he told them.

“So... pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Worship with your family. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Spend time with good friends. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled and said, “I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

Please share this with other "Golf Balls"

"the lull"

Not sure if you're like me, but I struggle. A lot. When I lose a battle, or when I screw up, it's usually in one of those "it's not an if he'll screw up, but it's a matter of when he'll screw up" situations. So, if you're like me, after the battle is lost, or after I screw up, I feel like if I go to church or sing a worship song or something along those lines I'm out of place, I'm not welcome or something like that. I call it "the lull". Last night, worship was off the chain at Grace's youth group. Full band, music loud, intense songs, dark room, the stage lights moves and changed with the songs, and the kids got into it. And because I've lost battles recently, I didn't get into it as much as I really wanted. I wanted so bad to buy shut my eyes, sing loud without caring his u sounded and raise hands high and abandon it all, but I felt held back by my own shortcomings. In small group though, we prayed, and I heard words that changes it all. I'm forgiven, and all I have to do is ask. My price has been paid. And now I'm free.

The Hardest Things

Sometimes, telling a friend the truth is the hardest thing to do, even if you really really want to.

Mimicking

It's kind of nuts, when you watch a tv show or a movie or something and it goes along so well with what's going on in your life. I was watching scrubs today while trying not to hate myself for putting my body though skiing yesterday, and in the episode, JD, the main character was talking about how hard it can be to speak what you're really feeling in certain situations, even though you think it's needed, and how easy it can be to feel alone, even in the midst of a crowd or a lot of people, even friends. Not sure what it means at all, just interesting I guess. Life's full of ups and downs, just gotta stay positive and keep your eyes open

Fear, and the lack thereof

I'm sitting in my car next to the Observation Deck at RDU airport, the place I used to go to most often when I needed to clear my head or when I was upset or needed to think (and admittedly still do). Its pouring out, and I'm still foolishly considering going to stand outside to watch the planes come in, but I'm only here for a short while while I'm waiting to pick up pops.

I watched most of "Fruitcake and Ice Cream" earlier, a talk by Giglio from Passion World Tour 08'. If you haven 't seen it, you need to. It's an inspiring sermon on Grace, with an incredibly powerful story at the end about someone accepting grace for the first time. In his Sermon, Giglio talks about the perceived moment when we arrive at "the pearly gates", where people think they're going to be scared, while waiting to be judges, while waiting for the doorman to look over everything from our earthly lives, and to make a decision on if we can step across or not. It seems silly, for people who accept and know grace to think such things, but he makes a valid point... We live in fear, no matter how strong our faith is. (correct me if I'm wrong)...

I think about the number of times I came out here during my last relationship when I was so scared it was going to end, and the number of times I came out here after it did. I think about the number of times I was out here when trying to figure out what to do for college. I think about the number of times I've been out here in the past year, afraid of this and that. Sitting here now, I have so much to be afraid of, and ironically I find myself back at the observation deck. But, this time, I'm not afraid. I know that I'll lhave troubles, confusion, pain, helplessness, and hurt, but I know that standing at those pearly gates is Christ. And I don't have to be afraid anymore. All of this stuff, this crap that goes on, he dealt with it already. He bore it all, so that I don't have to lie in fear.

I'm still sitting here; and I'm going to eat my Chickfila now before it gets cold, and before my shake melts.

Don't be afraid. He lives. He has won.

You have set him on fire….

FINALLY. this post is here! maybe long- anticipated, maybe not. It’s here regardless.

At Passion, I met a guy named Jordan. Jordan’s a haircutting mastermind, and also the man. Dude says he used to “spend Grace”, but as I watched him at Passion, sitting through Giglio, Piper, Chan and worship with Hall, Crowder, Redman, Stanfill,  and Tomlin, I watched literally as this guy had his “Road to Damascus” interruption.

From what I know, he’s known all his life about faith, and his dad (also a mastermind with scissors) has been an incredible influence, but after a successful open heart surgery session, and then Passion, Jordan has literally been ON FIRE in his faith. Video after video, small group after small group, study after study, and many different times of diving into the word. I’m overwhelmed. It’s INCREDIBLE to watch, to see a friend completely giving it his all.

He’s got this passion you don’t see in people anymore. Unashamed, he makes his choices as if he were Paul, BAFFLING his friends with his determination and love of the father. And if you’re lucky enough to know him, you know he gives everything to Christ, and will tell you how sure he is that everything that has happened in the past has led to that moment, as just a part of his story, a story that’s been orchestrated from birth by the God who created him. He’s an inspiration. And I’m blessed to know him.