On Leaving a Legacy, and Finding Hope in an Often Hopeless World : A response to Marina Keegan

I came across an article today written by a young woman my age who just graduated from Yale. (http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2012/may/27/keegan-opposite-loneliness/) She wrote this piece for the special edition the Yale Newspaper does during graduation week every year, and then tragically passed away a few days later. I'll be honest, when I saw the post labeled "Student's moving final essay" on Yahoo!, I almost passed it by, but thought she was cute, and figured I would look into it. Little did I know, her final piece really was a piece shortly followed by finality, little did I know, it would shake me to my core.

If I had to be honest, and I will, its been a long past few months. Over the past year, my life has changed drastically, and over the past few months, the changes have begun to affect me in new ways, some often depressing, and painful. I've found myself struggling with wondering whether what I do really matters, struggling with thinking I'm not actually as valuable, or as important, or as necessary as I thought. About a month ago, Grace High School youth group started a series it does every year called "Leaving a Legacy", and I've been thinking more and more about what I've left behind, but even more than me contemplating if my legacy is moving or not, I've thought nonstop about where it is I'm going. I've found that I'm reasonably comfortable with where I've been, I've traveled to South Africa, South America, all over the U.S,  done missions, ministry, food service work, ticketing work. I've laughed, I've cried, and occasionally, I've had a pretty good time, but I find that I still question where it is I'm headed. I feel like I've been caught in this lull, doing the same thing day in and day out, never progressing very far, I'ts like I'm like the guinea pig running in the wheel, exhausting every effort and opportunity, constantly in motion, but never getting anywhere.

As Marina Keegan put it, "We don’t have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, I could say that’s what I want in life."

Though I'm always in motion, constantly surrounded by people working, singing, driving, drinking, swimming, yelling, talking, moving, I often find I loose myself in the midst of the bustle, and feel alone, like I'm moving along in some sort of bubble, able to interact with those around me, but never able to fully connect. Sure, I have really close friends, and as they move away, even for short periods of time, or as they begin to progress "farther" along in life, it feels like it only gets harder. I spend time with them, with other friends, with family, but feel like sometimes, I'm just moving, going through the motions, unable to snap out of this sort of perpetual motion.

What I want in life is what I hope awaits me (obviously). A wife, a family, a steady income, vacations, kids, a job I love (pretty sure I've found that one). For now, I know what I have to do. Leave a Legacy. Without even knowing it, Marina Keegan lived life, never knowing her last days were quickly approaching, and affected peoples lives. My hope, aside from my dreams and desires for life, is that through my writing, which will hopefully become more and more regular will affect others as Marina's has affected me. And eventually, I'll find that definition for the opposite of lonliness.