Its been a good week. I’ve gotten a lot done, gotten a few dr. appointments out of the way, hung out with my small group for a few hours, won a decisive battle at eTix that decided I was the most patriotic and knowledgeable in our Americanoff, had coffee with a good friend, and got a ridiculous amount of work done for Christmas and advent and everything at Grace. The sad thing is though, I still feel like something’s missing.
I have a good friend who’s told me for many a month that focusing on trying to find some girl is useless, and that I can find my hearts desires, and become completely full inChrist. Completely true, I cant argue against that, but at the same time as I accept that statement to be true, I still feel like there’s something missing. The sad thing is I have no idea what to do about it. no clue. and its becoming increasingly frustrating as time goes on. Don’t get me wrong, I find joy in a lot of things I do, and in a lot of things I see, and I find that what I do, both at Grace, and occasionally at eTix are very fulfilling, but part of me can’t stop thinking that there's something missing. I have this feeling that its either my heart that things there’s something missing, or my brain, and I don’t know what to do about either. Maybe become a brain dr, or a heart dr. but I have school, so that’s never going to happen.
On the way back from Target tonight (I went to buy a gift… and got myself a toy too…yes a toy.), I had this thought :Christmas is not about what is under the tree, but it is about he who lived his life to die on a tree. Crazy philosophical moment starts…now: I think about Mary, and all of the other people who stood under the tree while the Emmanuel hung on it, and I realize how he lived his life. Christ lived his life thinking not about what was under the tree, but instead he lived his life thinking about who was under the tree, and that who is us. His live was lived for us. yet we live our lives for the petty things, for the ridiculous things of this world, for our hearts desires, however pure or desperate or sensible they may be, i.e., the things under the tree.
I just spat all that out, and now am trying to understand what it means, and honestly I'm perplexed. Like numerous other blogs I write, I’m realizing that I need to put more energy, more time, more emotion, more of me into my relationship with him, because at the core, it is what I need. But, unlike many of the other blogs I’ve written, I’m left wanting two things: more of Christ, and _________ (by ______ I think I mean someone, but honestly, there’s so much nonsense rattling around up there, I have no idea…). So… what to do. I don’t really know. Continue to search for ______ all the while giving it to him, and striving to be closer and deeper with faith seems to be the reasonable, sane, right thing to do, but I think its going to take a whole lot to figure out how to do it. Prayers please? What do you think?
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