Our Callings

A few months back, a good friend of mine Courtney asked if I would go to Boone with her during the last week of December and meet with some people from INCALink, the mission organization that she is planning on working with in 2012. At the time I said sure, not really knowing what I was getting myself into, but as the time grew closer, and the idea of going to spend a weekend with a  bunch of people that I had never met grew in my head, I realized how odd and awkward and vulnerable the situation could be. Everyone there would have met, and were all interns of the same organization, and Courtney plans on being a Intern, so she had a link to them, but I was going to be just there. But after a bit of thought, I decided that I wouldn’t change my mind, and that I would go. So, this past Thursday, I packed up, gassed up, and Courtney and I headed up the mountain towards Boone. After turning around a few times, we finally made our way towards the house that we would be meeting at. At first, it was awkward, but as the time went on, as we ate together, and as we all played “Dutch Blitz”, I began to feel like more of the group, and by the end of the night, I felt like I had known them all for a long time, and by the time the guys headed to the house that we would be staying in, any previous uncomfort or uneasiness on my part had passed.

Friday morning a missionary of 38 years in Africa came to speak, and he encouraged us to stay focused, stay open, and to encourage others to serve, but what he emphasized most was the importance of serving the Kingdom. It was a truly inspiring message, to hear stories of his time in Africa, and to also hear stories of the other missionaries from INCALink. In the afternoon, we all headed up farther into the mountains to a home of a couple who have been struggling both physically and financially, and we did a service project where we got to clean up, and help to organize and even build a few stairs on the outside of the house. It was awesome to be able to hang out, and do missions in the state, among people who have a heart for missions and for Christ. That night, we all ate together, hung out, played games and watched a movie, and on Saturday morning, we all went out towards Grandfather mountain, and the mile high bridge.

The mountains of NC are incredible, and while standing out in the freezing weather, bracing myself from the 60 mph winds, I looked around me, and saw firsthand the glory and the beauty of God. Later, as we hiked, and got ice cream, I had time to sit and wonder how anyone could look around them, and see such beauty and such wonder and not believe, which is a disheartening thought.

I arrived home a minute after midnight, a minute into 2012, and am now writing to you- anyone who reads my occasionally coherent ramblings. Though I know fully what I am supposed to do from here- serve full time in youth ministry, just being around a group of people with the same heart, a heart of service and  a heart for others was incredibly encouraging as I move into the new year. I think of friends like Casey and Sarah Prince (check them out here), and Wyatt Bruton (check him out here), and now friends at INCALink (check them out here) and the incredible work that they are doing for the kingdom, and I am encouraged, and know that though I may be called to serve most of my time here, there are those serving abroad, preparing the way for the Glory and the Grace of God to permeate, and to overwhelm the people of the world, and to bring peace to the nations.

Free at last

 

A few nights ago, I hung out with a bunch of good friends, got coffee with them, hung out at the Church with them, and among them was Jordan Sasser, and his wife Alex. It’s kind of crazy, actually, though, for those of you reading this who know them, you also know they are kind of crazy too! You see, Alex and I went to middle (I think) and High School together, and if any of you know me or know my story, then you know who I am today is not at all who I really was at Enloe. I didn’t party, I didn’t drink, but I also didn’t live the life I was called to. I was a jerk, I was outlandish and ridiculous (though I still am today), but most of what I did was act like a moronic High School kid with little respect for anyone, including himself. I mocked people, joked around, cursed, occasionally skipped a class to go get a good meal with some friends, drove way too fast, did stupid things off road, and had a generally unsafe time, all the while maintanining a “good kid” reputation with most people I knew, especially those who I went to church with. Now senior year of high school, I had a group of 5-8 guys I hung out with everyday, we went to lunch together, and did all of the insane things I listed above together, and other than myself, only one of them I knew to be a believer. He, like myself was different at school than he was outside of school. But, for a short while, he dated Alex, and in his relationship with her senior year, I see how truly sad I was. Not depressed sad, but the kind of sad where people look at you and scratch their heads and wonder what went wrong sad. I was scared to be me, even around Alex, who never strayed from her faith, and even around Kyle, who was like me, trying to find a way to be himself all the time.

Skip ahead a few years. I’ve forgotten about my shenanigans from Senior year, am now working at Grace, trying to live a better life, and doing ok at it, lived in Africa as a missionary, and am around someone who knew my dark secrets from High School- that I wasn’t who I said I was, and lived life in doubles. As she and Jordan got married, I was able to worship in the same room as them, and see her for who she truly was, and be myself. But, a few nights ago, I finally experienced freedom.

It was late, most people had left Grace, and all that remained was Jordan, Alex, Josiah, Katie Hemp, and myself. After a few goodbyes, Jordan, Alex, Jo Jo and I all wound our way back into grace hall, where Katie was playing on the piano. From there, we hung our for an hour, maybe two, I don’t really know, and I watched and joined in as Jordan and Katie and Alex and Josiah sung, and played, and worshiped, and there, in the moments in a dimly lit room, singing praises to the one who gives us ultimate freedom. I couldn’t help but smile, as Katie busted out some tunes on the piano, as Jordan and Alex and Josiah sang, and as I leaned back against the wall sitting on a stool, watching, and seeing freedom right in front of me, and couldn’t help but grin, as I joined into worship with them, and with him, free at last.

ups and downs? Title it whatever pleases you.

Its been a good week. I’ve gotten a lot done, gotten a few dr. appointments out of the way, hung out with my small group for a few hours, won a decisive battle at eTix that decided I was the most patriotic and knowledgeable in our Americanoff, had coffee with a good friend, and got a ridiculous amount of work done for Christmas and advent and everything at Grace. The sad thing is though, I still feel like something’s missing.

I have a good friend who’s told me for many a month that focusing on trying to find some girl is useless, and that I can find my hearts desires, and become completely full inChrist. Completely true, I cant argue against that, but at the same time as I accept that statement to be true, I still feel like there’s something missing. The sad thing is I have no idea what to do about it. no clue. and its becoming increasingly frustrating as time goes on. Don’t get me wrong, I find joy in a lot of things I do, and in a lot of things I see, and I find that what I do, both at Grace, and occasionally at eTix are very fulfilling, but part of me can’t stop thinking that there's something missing. I have this feeling that its either my heart that things there’s something missing, or my brain, and I don’t know what to do about either. Maybe become a brain dr, or a heart dr. but I have school, so that’s never going to happen.

On the way back from Target tonight (I went to buy a gift… and got myself a toy too…yes a toy.), I had this thought :Christmas is not about what is under the tree, but it is about he who lived his life to die on a tree. Crazy philosophical moment starts…now: I think about Mary, and all of the other people who stood under the tree while the Emmanuel hung on it, and I realize how he lived his life. Christ lived his life thinking not about what was under the tree, but instead he lived his life thinking about who was under the tree, and that who is us. His live was lived for us. yet we live our lives for the petty things, for the ridiculous things of this world, for our hearts desires, however pure or desperate or sensible they may be, i.e., the things under the tree.

I just spat all that out, and now am trying to understand what it means, and honestly I'm perplexed. Like numerous other blogs I write, I’m realizing that I need to put more energy, more time, more emotion, more of me into my relationship with him, because at the core, it is what I need. But, unlike many of the other blogs I’ve written, I’m left wanting two things: more of Christ, and _________ (by ______ I think I mean someone, but honestly, there’s so much nonsense rattling around up there, I have no idea…). So… what to do. I don’t really know. Continue to search for ______ all the while giving it to him, and striving to be closer and deeper with faith seems to be the reasonable, sane, right thing to do, but I think its going to take a whole lot to figure out how to do it. Prayers please? What do you think?

Moments

Sometimes, all I can hope is that if a moment is missed, it comes back around again