Finding life in death.

It's actually ironic that my last post, though quite some time ago, spoke of my funeral.

This morning, a colleague and friend of mine at Etix passed away while running in the Rock and Roll marathon in Raleigh. He was in his low 30's with two kids. Last Saturday, the father of one of my youth group guys passed away suddenly. This week will make 4 funerals I'll have attended over the past month.

Honestly, I've had a thought or two that somehow or another, death is following me; but I know that's silly.

It has definitely been difficult not to get depressed when death is all around. It's hard not to get sad or angry when those around you are leaving behind loved ones, friends, and lots of unanswered questions. I've had to watch a sophomore in high school cope with the loss of his father, had to see families grieve the passing of their loved one. Today, my friends, my coworkers are hurting, grieving, and stuck in a place without the answers that they so desperately search for. It's been the hardest, personally.

I can't stop thinking about how weird it will be to go to work tomorrow, and to see and personally experience the void that is the loss of a friend and coworker.

I'm not sure how I'll react. I'm not sure how my coworkers will react.

The reality that where someone once was they no longer are is profound. It's incredibly humbling for sure. Life can be so short.

HOWEVER. Oh, the great however.

In death, Christ gives us life. It isn't always pretty, it isn't always the way we expected, BUT through death Jesus gives us life. And, we're called to live life to the fullest.

In one of his last posts before he passed, my coworker wrote this: "Under promise and over deliver, care more and complain less, live and love in this moment..."

Live life to the fullest. Abide in Christ, and he will produce fruit in your life. "Life to the fullest" might not always fall into the plan that we had for ourselves, but I do know that life, when lived to the fullest in Christ, is more glorifying and more gratifying that any other form of life. We are called to LIVE into the resurrection, into the life that Christ defeated death for.

My Funeral.

I like making sounds. I'm not sure if I've ever said that before. Well, maybe it's more that I like to make noise, but who cares. I'm not the most musically talented, so via a big board with lots of buttons, knobs, and sliders on it, I bring their musical talents to life, and amplify them until peoples heads hurt. I do this for the church I work for, and because I work for the church, and because I make sounds, I'm occasionally asked to work different events. Earlier this week, I was asked to work another funeral, something that I've done quite a few times over the past few years, since I made my noise making quest somewhat professional.

I don't want to sound insensitive, but with the exception of one of the funerals I've worked, I haven't enjoyed a single one of them. Obviously, if I'm working, it's not the best of situations, and they haven't exactly planned them for my enjoyment, but regardless, I've seen funerals that were just sad. And it's a tad bit depressing. Now, if I've already offended you with my seemingly senseless babbling, please continue reading, so I can attempt to make myself look like less of an idiot. 

I'm one of those people who believes, truly believes, that in Christ, life can be lived to the fullest. I'm not saying that if you believe, all your hopes and dreams will come true, you'll be rich, and have a perfect family, a perfect job, and vacation in your dream spot, but what I am saying, is that through faith, your planned ahead path, the one that God created for you will be revealed to you, and when you live out that plan, when you follow that path, when you daily encounter Christ, life will be lived to the fullest. So, when I look back at life, I want to CELEBRATE the joys of that fulfilled life. I don't want my funeral to be this sad, dark, dreary thing, I want it to be an occasion. A party. No wake. No visitation. No funeral. I want my friends, my family, my students, shoot, anyone to come together, to fellowship and to tell stories about me. Stories about when I was an idiot, stories about things that I accomplished, funny stories about me, any story. I want to, in death, to be the vessel that brings people together to eat, to drink, and to fellowship in Christ, and of course to celebrate me a tad bit too. So, for all to see, this is how I want my funeral to go:

1. Chick-fil-a will be served. That is a must. If for some reason, they have gone out of business, just skip the whole thing. Seriously. And, if anyone suggests PDQ as an alternative, take them off of the invite list. 

2. I don't want anything short. It needs to be a good 3 hour event. With good food, good drinks, and merriment. 

3. I seriously wouldn't mind a nice touching video. But no sappy music. Please. For the love of all that is good. Good Music. 

4. There needs to be worship. In Christ Alone, done the same way it was at Passion 2013 needs to be included in the set. The worship set needs like 6 songs. I'd be ok with more. 

5. Sure, you can dress up, but nothing sad. Bow ties instead of regular ties. Please. 

As ridiculous as those requests seem, I'm pretty serious about them all. I want my funeral to be something I wish I was at. I want it to be a time, to come together, to worship, to laugh, to cry, to eat LOTS of Chick-Fil-A, and to celebrate a God who has provided a good life, who has provided an everlasting life. I want it to be a moment that people are excited for, because it's a time to come together and fellowship. (that's not an invitation to look forward to it thought). 

So, someone, please make this happen for me. Celebrate, laugh, love, live. That's what I want. 

It is Necessary to Use Words

Yesterday, I was at Harris Teeter picking up a few things with one of my roommates. We had just grabbed what we needed and were making our way to the register to check out when he began to chat with a friend of his who runs a basketball league and camp at a local church that one of our other roommates attends. On Monday nights, the church held and open gym, and different people would gather to play basketball. The coach asked my roommate if he remembered a guy named Rodney, to which my roommate replied yes, that he did know him. The coach went on to tell us that Rodney had recently been killed in a car crash, where a driver crossed the median, and hit him head on. What he said next hit me deep, in the gut. 

Visibly, the guy looked shaken. After all, he was telling a story about a young man he knew who had been killed. I could tell that he was struggling with it. He found out about the wreck while he and some friends were in China doing a mission basketball camp, and that it hit him hard, because he didn't know where Rodney was spiritually. I haven't been able to get that thought out of my head. 

I want that to be my first thought, when I see anyone. I want to immediately want to know where someone I meet or see is spiritually, whether they have found salvation. 

I feel like so often, in Youth Ministry, I worry about whether students are off drinking, or smoking, or hooking up, and I don't think its wrong to worry about things like that. I also do question their spiritual journey, where they are with the Lord, what their walk looks like. But I want to yearn to know someones story. To not have to worry about their salvation. Not just with students, but with everyone I come in contact to. With anyone I work with. Anyone who I see from my past, or anyone new I meet. I want to never have to struggle with the thought that someone I could have witnessed to I didn't. 

So where does that leave me? Who knows. Do I become the guy on the corner, King James in hand, proclaiming the word? Do I become the guy on the brickyard at a college campus, yelling the gospel? I don't think I have to want to become anyone other that who I am. But I do think that I have to rethink the way that I live my life. Not in actions, but in tongue. 

St. Francis of Assisi once said "Preach the gospel continually, and when necessary use words". Living out the gospel is one thing. I think that anyone can live a good life on the outside, that they can "live the Christian life", feed the poor, go to church, pray continually, but to actually speak, to proclaim the gospel, to share your story, that's something totally different. It's more than tweeting a line of a good Jesus Culture song, or Instagramming a picture of a page in your Bible, more than taking a Vine of a cool Christian concert. Being living proof of the healing, and redemption, and freedom that life in Christ brings, and proclaiming that verbally completely changes the game. 

Recent Thoughts

I've had a lot of recent thoughts. Here are many of them.

I feel like sometimes, people aren't too sure about me. Maybe it's my personality, maybe its the fact I've been at the same job for more than 6 years, at the same church for a long time, stuck in this grey area of schooling for what seems like an eternity, or, if I dare say, because I've been single for so long at my age. I think that maybe, sometimes people think I'm complacent, or too scared to move on. People will ask me if I'm sure I should do Youth Ministry, or if I'm sure I should still work at eTix, or if I'm sure I should be turning down that date my mom's been nagging me for weeks to go on. The reality of my current situation in life is I'm not sure of anything. I'm not sure of what the future holds. I'm not sure where my schooling, or my church life, or my faith, or my job could lead me in the coming months. I haven't got a clue. 

I was recently told that part of "growing up" is moving away. I don't currently live with my parents, but I do live in the same city. Obviously, living in the same city isn't exactly like moving away from them, but with how busy I am, sometimes it feels like I'd see them more if I lived on Mars. I think sometimes, people think I'm still in Raleigh because I'm scared of moving on.

I'm not fearful of the future. Cautious, maybe. But afraid, absolutely not. If I had to be honest, and I will be, I'm pretty ok with the way life is now. There are many things about life I absolutely love. My family, my church, my small groups, my friends, my mac, my passions, my talents. I enjoy them all. I love working long hours at church, I get to tell peoples stories on film, I get to walk hand in hand with some pretty crazy middle and high school students as they go to school, play on teams, go to youth group, have their hearts broken, make mistakes, find hope, find joy, find life. I get to work and live life with an incredible group of staff and volunteers. I get to see my siblings almost once a week. I get to do the things that I love, and most of the time, I feel like I'm fulfilling a purpose. 

Don't get me wrong, there are absolutely times where I don't love life. Yes, my life is pretty amazing, and I'm thankful that it is what it is, but there are times when the days aren't so sunny, where I hate my school or my classes, where I'm frustrated with my church, or its politics, or my positions; where I feel overworked at eTix and can't seem to get ahead, no matter how much work I do or how much I think my bosses like me; where I wonder why I'm still friends with certain people, or wonder why I put so much effort in relationships that never seem to pan out; and there are days where I realize that there hasn't been anyone in the passenger seat of my car in the longest time, those are the days where I feel the singleness of the early 20's hit, and loneliness creeps its way in. I live with regrets, about past decisions, past relationships, past mistakes. I've got this incredible life, but then again, some days, It's a struggle that I worry I'll never overcome. 

I think the hardest thing for me personally to admit is there are days where I am not what I claim to be. Days where I, either in front of people or behind closed doors live out the farthest thing from the gospel I can imagine. Days where I, like many of the middle and high schoolers I work with wonder if I'm good enough. And the beauty of my life is, that in the middle of the struggles, in the middle of my dark moments, in the middle of my confusions, my regrets, my loneliness, I am reminded of the truth of my life. 

I remember a day, maybe a year or so ago, when by best friend Cam had already gone away on leave to California in the Navy. I texted him in the middle of a struggle and asked for advice. He pointed me to a song I knew well, one by Crowder called Sometimes. My favorite verse reads "When we've given up, let your healing come, when there's nothing left, let your healing come, let your rising come"

This year at Passion, Louie said a few words that are HUGE. He said "God, help me to take the unbelief in my life and turn it into belief" Those are monumental words. I don't struggle because I don't love God. I love Jesus. I do. But, sometimes, there are days where my pea sized brain struggles with the most truthful of truths that the creator of the universe, the builder of mountains, the namer of stars, the parter of seas, the raiser of lives loves me more than I can ever imagine is better, is more glorious, is more pleasurable than the simple moments of "joy" that life has to offer. 

And that truth that I am reminded of in the midst of struggles is that, even in the midst of my darkest moments, I am pursued. I am called home. My unbelief is turned into belief. I am made strong. I am brought, just as the dead, dried up bones once were, back to life again. 

On Community

“Ever since the first computers, there have always been ghosts in the machine. Random segments of code that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. Unanticipated, these free radicals endanger questions of free will, creativity, and even the nature of what we might call the soul. Why is it that when some robots are left in darkness, they will seek out the light? Why is it that when robots are stored in an empty space they will group together, rather than stand alone? How do we explain this behavior? Random segments of code? Or is it something more? When does a perceptual schematic become consciousness? When does a difference engine become the search for truth? When does a personality simulation become the bitter mote... of a soul?” -Dr. Alfred Lanning, iRobot.

Why is it, that when in darkness, we seek out the light? Why is it that when we are in a space, we will naturally seek each other out, rather than stand alone? My conclusion is that, like the fictional robots in iRobot, it is because of something more than just our programming, more than just our skin and bones, more than just our muscles and our tendons, and our cells. My conclusion is that it is because of this thing called the soul, because our most inner being, our core, our hearts and our souls desire is to be in community. 

We see evidence of this throughout history. God created Eve, because he did not want Adam to be alone. Jesus called the church to be a grouping of believers. And, most of all, God himself is a community. 

Now, that idea of God as a community is something I’ve just learned this past week at Passion 2013.  Judah Smith, a pastor out in Seattle WA spoke on this topic Thursday morning, and explained that God himself is a community. Yes, he is one singular being, composed of three separate but equal entities. God himself, Jesus himself is and is a part of a community. And as we are called, nay, created to strive after him, we have been called and created to live into a community. I would also venture to say that there are numerous reasons for this.

I think to Francis Chan’s sermon on Wednesday night about seeing God revealed through Kingdom Building in evangelism. He mentioned that it is often through our good works in proclaiming the Gospel to others that Christ is seen and exalted, and that if we aren’t seeing Christ at work in our lives, then it’s not because he isn't working, rather that its because we aren’t. 

Judah Smith followed him up the following morning with an analogy about sharks, and the research that has been done with great whites off the coast of South Africa. Research has shown that sharks are more likely to attack a seal if it is alone, showing that seals are generally safer when traveling in groups, and I imagine that this same idea can be applied to humans in the water, but it has greater meaning beyond just that of the shark. This community is a haven, generally something safe. In Hebrews, Paul writes about running our race with a “great cloud of witnesses”, together, with others. 

But the beauty of the idea of community is that it applies to non-believers as well, perhaps even more. As believers, we are called to speak on and give testimony to the hope of the Gospel we have seen in our own lives. And, as Francis Chan mentioned, this is also another way that we see Christ moving in our lives. 

if you were at Passion, or saw any of the pictures or any of the live stream, then you probably saw the magnitude of this generation of young people willing to stand, and to have their voice heard for their King. While in the Georgia Dome, in the midst of sessions or lunch, I couldn’t help but to pause, and to look around, and to try, key word there is try, to take in the magnitude of this Jesus movement. Standing in a room of 60,000 people is a reasonably big deal, at least in my tiny life’s opinion. When you look around, and see 60K plus singing and praying for the Holy Spirit to be welcome and to fill the place that they are in, it has certain moving effects that include but are not limited to jaw dropping, chills running down the back, and wide open eyes. 

When you pause, and once again emphasizing the word try here to take it all in, you realize the magnitude not of the movement, but of the God that has started this stirring. You begin to think of the ways that he is moving powerfully in the building, in the city, in the state, in the country, in the world. You get this glimpse of the “immeasurably more”. This community of believers, who has gathered together to worship, to learn, and to be encouraged in their walk. You see a mass of people stand together in the cold at midnight to shout and to sing for the freedom of the enslaved and the lost. You see a God ready to do immeasurably more, ready to take the unbelief of the masses, and to work it into belief. You see a people ready to stand through the grace and love and hope of their God, ready to follow him at all cost. 

Comprehending the Incomprehensible

Newton Elementary shooting. Today. 26 Killed.

Oregon Shopping mall shooting. December. 2 Killed.

Wisconsin Sikh temple shooting. August. 6 Killed.

Aurora Colorado Movie Theater Shooting. July. 12 Killed.

Elizabeth Malloy Killed in Drunk Driving. January.1 Killed.

Sampson County Teen Shot by Father. December. 2 Killed.

Kansas City Chiefs Player Shooting. December. 2 Killed.

Dallas Cowboys Drunk Driving Crash.  December. 2 Killed.

When faced with the incomprehensible, where do you start? Time and time again, we’ve been wrecked by the news of another drunk driver claiming the live of someone around them, by the news of yet another shooting, or stabbing, or murder-suicide. And again today, our country reels from the news of 26 dead, 20 of them children. And, again, as we do every time, we begin to ask ourselves why, even when we know the answer.

I was on the phone with a customer who had tickets today for a Nutcracker performance in Alabama. The customer was clearly not from the US, she sounded like she was from eastern Europe, maybe Russia, and towards the end of the call, she asked me if the performance was to be cancelled due to the countries mourning. She said, she didn’t know how things went here in America. The more I’ve thought about this question, the more I’ve realized how things are here in America.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this country. I’m proud to be an American, but, today, more than any other day, I’ve come to the conclusion that WE, as Americans played a part in the cause of this tragedy. Just think about that.

Today’s tragedy, these past, seemingly constant tragedies weren't caused by the unstable. Yes, they may be off their rockers a bit, but there's a deeper root, an underlying problem.

Our Culture, our people, our values, or likes have done this to us. We have done this to ourselves.

Our “stars”, or “celebrities” fool around, they sing about shooting it up, F the Police, their hoes, their swag, their drugs, their violence. We have developed a system, through valuing it and teaching it to our young that Violence, Killing, Revenge, Sleeping around, Adultery, Theft, Cheating is acceptable. Then, when an NFL player kills his girl friend in front of his mom, and kills himself in front of his coaches, its not so funny or popular any more. When a Millbrook teenager is thrown out of a vehicle to die because teen drinking and partying is encouraged, we wonder, why, who could have done this. When an NFL player kills his best friend because he’s too drunk to drive, we think, how sad. When numerous people shoot up religious institutions, movie theaters, street corners, and SCHOOLS, we wonder what has happened to our country. WE HAVE HAPPENED TO OUR COUNTRY. WE HAVE DONE THIS TO OURSELVES.

America, PLEASE. We have to STOP. We have to stop valuing music that glorifies teen drinking, music that glorifies sleeping around, violence, and a culture that says kill them if they wrong you. We have to stop valuing celebrities who bounce in and out of prison for killing people, countless felonies, drunk driving and possession. We have to stop making moves that promote unnecessary violence, and retaliation. We are causing this. We are. We play into this system that glorifies darkness, and wonder why when the night has come.

The only hope for us is that WE CANNOT FIX IT. That is our only hope. We cannot fix this death, this disease, this darkness. But there is a light, that burns BRIGHTER THAN THE SUN that is coming. Emmanuel, God WITH US. He has been born, he lived, he died, and then he conquered death, so that he could bring us, the dead, the diseased, the murderous, the sinning back to him in redemption. He has come for US.

So then, where do you start when faced with the incomprehensible? Start and End with Jesus, the only hope for our broken world. He has done it all. He is redeeming us to himself. He is Hope. He is light. He is LIFE.

Who are you?

On my way home tonight, I had a good amount of time by myself to think. Earlier this evening, I had the opportunity to attend the regional FCA Banquet for the North Carolina chapter of  Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Their guest speaker, Lee Rouson, a 2 time Super Bowl winner spoke about identity, and the importance of knowing the answer to the question “Who are you?”.
While I think the question “Who are you?” is a relatively easy question to answer, I’ve found that it’s a question with many different answers, and often times, those answers change over time, which, if you really think about it shows how complex the question really is.
If you’ve read any of my blogs, or if you know me personally, you most likely know my life is a little weird, and often hectic at times (and by often I mean always). Over the past few months, I’ve discovered more and more about myself, and through that process, I’ve often times become more confused and more unclear about who I am.
I am a man. I am a friend. I am a NC State Fan. I am a lover of hockey. I am a roommate. I am a son. I am a lover of the light. I am a brother. I am a hard worker. I am a Youth Leader. I am in incredible pain with a bad back. I am a fan of video and audio. I am a blogger. I am a lover of Chick-fil-a. I am a bow tie aficionado. I am brokenhearted. I am hurting. I am weird. I am joyful. I am too busy. I am too tired. I am overworked. I am a winner of musical chairs at a Canes game. I am burnt out. I am insane. I am a neat freak (sometimes). I am too quick to say yes to everything. I am a contestant and Honorable Mention winner on AFV.  I am easily taken advantage of. I am wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am down, but not out. I am, I am, I am. I am too many things. I am hurting, I am overworked, I am confused.
What I am, no matter how often I forget it, what I am no matter how often I don’t live into it, what I am, no matter what the world tells me I am, no matter what my peers tell me I am, no matter what my friends tell me I am, no matter what a girl tells me I am, no matter what you tell me I am is I AM GOOD ENOUGH. Not because I say so, not because you say so, but because the blood that poured out on the hilltop says so, because the ground shook, because the veil was torn, because the word was made flesh, because the promises were fulfilled because Christ died, because he defeated death. Because I AM a child of the KING. Who are you?