I've had a lot of recent thoughts. Here are many of them.
I feel like sometimes, people aren't too sure about me. Maybe it's my personality, maybe its the fact I've been at the same job for more than 6 years, at the same church for a long time, stuck in this grey area of schooling for what seems like an eternity, or, if I dare say, because I've been single for so long at my age. I think that maybe, sometimes people think I'm complacent, or too scared to move on. People will ask me if I'm sure I should do Youth Ministry, or if I'm sure I should still work at eTix, or if I'm sure I should be turning down that date my mom's been nagging me for weeks to go on. The reality of my current situation in life is I'm not sure of anything. I'm not sure of what the future holds. I'm not sure where my schooling, or my church life, or my faith, or my job could lead me in the coming months. I haven't got a clue.
I was recently told that part of "growing up" is moving away. I don't currently live with my parents, but I do live in the same city. Obviously, living in the same city isn't exactly like moving away from them, but with how busy I am, sometimes it feels like I'd see them more if I lived on Mars. I think sometimes, people think I'm still in Raleigh because I'm scared of moving on.
I'm not fearful of the future. Cautious, maybe. But afraid, absolutely not. If I had to be honest, and I will be, I'm pretty ok with the way life is now. There are many things about life I absolutely love. My family, my church, my small groups, my friends, my mac, my passions, my talents. I enjoy them all. I love working long hours at church, I get to tell peoples stories on film, I get to walk hand in hand with some pretty crazy middle and high school students as they go to school, play on teams, go to youth group, have their hearts broken, make mistakes, find hope, find joy, find life. I get to work and live life with an incredible group of staff and volunteers. I get to see my siblings almost once a week. I get to do the things that I love, and most of the time, I feel like I'm fulfilling a purpose.
Don't get me wrong, there are absolutely times where I don't love life. Yes, my life is pretty amazing, and I'm thankful that it is what it is, but there are times when the days aren't so sunny, where I hate my school or my classes, where I'm frustrated with my church, or its politics, or my positions; where I feel overworked at eTix and can't seem to get ahead, no matter how much work I do or how much I think my bosses like me; where I wonder why I'm still friends with certain people, or wonder why I put so much effort in relationships that never seem to pan out; and there are days where I realize that there hasn't been anyone in the passenger seat of my car in the longest time, those are the days where I feel the singleness of the early 20's hit, and loneliness creeps its way in. I live with regrets, about past decisions, past relationships, past mistakes. I've got this incredible life, but then again, some days, It's a struggle that I worry I'll never overcome.
I think the hardest thing for me personally to admit is there are days where I am not what I claim to be. Days where I, either in front of people or behind closed doors live out the farthest thing from the gospel I can imagine. Days where I, like many of the middle and high schoolers I work with wonder if I'm good enough. And the beauty of my life is, that in the middle of the struggles, in the middle of my dark moments, in the middle of my confusions, my regrets, my loneliness, I am reminded of the truth of my life.
I remember a day, maybe a year or so ago, when by best friend Cam had already gone away on leave to California in the Navy. I texted him in the middle of a struggle and asked for advice. He pointed me to a song I knew well, one by Crowder called Sometimes. My favorite verse reads "When we've given up, let your healing come, when there's nothing left, let your healing come, let your rising come"
This year at Passion, Louie said a few words that are HUGE. He said "God, help me to take the unbelief in my life and turn it into belief" Those are monumental words. I don't struggle because I don't love God. I love Jesus. I do. But, sometimes, there are days where my pea sized brain struggles with the most truthful of truths that the creator of the universe, the builder of mountains, the namer of stars, the parter of seas, the raiser of lives loves me more than I can ever imagine is better, is more glorious, is more pleasurable than the simple moments of "joy" that life has to offer.
And that truth that I am reminded of in the midst of struggles is that, even in the midst of my darkest moments, I am pursued. I am called home. My unbelief is turned into belief. I am made strong. I am brought, just as the dead, dried up bones once were, back to life again.
